Coffee (Welfare Week)

When coffee first became an international drink, it was one of the most sought after commodities in the world, and remains the second most traded after oil – ahead of steel, gold and wheat. Initially, it was spread as a “Muslim drink” due to the fact that it originated in Ethiopia and the first wide spread production happened in the Arabian Peninsula. But, after Pope Clement VIII officially declared it a “Christian beverage” in 1600, its popularity exploded.

The cultivation of coffee was such a lucrative business that in the late 1700’s that the Brazilian government sent Francisco Mello Palheta half way around the world to French Guiana solely to obtain a handful of coffee seedlings. The French were absolutely unwilling to share and sent him away empty handed. However, he was apparently quite the charmer. The French governor’s wife was so smitten with him that she gave him a bouquet of flowers when he left. Inside the flowers were a few small coffee seedlings, and the start of the Brazilian coffee trade.

I mention this history of coffee because I finally see the economic power of the commodity. In this week of limited living, it has become a substance worth its weight in gold. Unlike Paul, I got a ridiculously good deal on a good can of coffee, and I have plenty to spare, which is, of course, what led me to start trading it.

I’m sure that I could have used this coffee to trade for anything that would help my agenda. It just so happens that my main plan for coming in first place in this contest is to get completely hammered as much as possible and, of course, eat enough to not die. So, I really needed to utilize this ground up gold to add any available amount of buzz to my situation.

I purchased five liters of wine. For a normal person, this is probably an excessive amount of hooch to stay well buzzed for quite some time, but I’ve been worried from day one that I’d only be able to be hammered for a maximum of 4 days, thanks to my alcoholism and large tolerance. Thanks to coffee, this problem is solved.

First, I traded 4 potatoes for 3 Klonopins. To be clear, I hate using Klonopins for recreational purposes, because they just make me an absolute mess. My thinking here, however, is that each ingested pill will greatly lower the amount of booze needed to get me hammered. The idea was that 3 nights of pill induced wine drunk would leave me with enough wine for one more good old fashioned alcohol buzz. But, now I’ve traded a half a tin of coffee for three Tylenol 3 pills as well.

Unlike Klonopin, the mere mention of Tylenol 3, or any other form of codeine, for that matter, simply makes my heart race. Simply put, I love the shit. So, I’ll be saving these for the last three days of the challenge as a reward to myself for kicking everyone else’s asses so hard. Coffee has taken my initial plan, which was enough in its own right to ensure my first place finish in Welfare Week and given it a shot of steroids.

The point of this whole week is to raise money for (poverty? Fuck, I don’t even know.). There is no question in my mind that I am walking away as the true champion of this fund raising experience.