Dominant Shopper (Welfare Week)

Yesterday, in a conversation about mental illness, my roommate told me that he believes that I am the biggest narcissist he’s ever met. I don’t know what the fuck he is talking about, but I do know that I’m quite possibly the best god damned grocery shopper for miles around. I knew when this contest was announced, regardless of whether it was announced as a contest or not, that I was going to tear it a new one. But, now that I’ve finished my shopping, I realize that this contest isn’t even going to have any flesh left for me to tear a hole into.

For the sake of honesty, I will admit that I spent an incredibly large portion of my day yesterday on the research and the shopping itself, and that it’s unlikely anyone on welfare would be able to go to the lengths to which I went. I also probably spent $10 on gasoline, but, per the rules, that doesn’t count toward my total, which means, again, that I fucking rule. I decided on the finalized version of my shopping list and then proceeded to call stores all around the Cleveland area to find the cheapest prices that I could. I then plugged addresses into the GPS and spent 5 hours driving around and shopping in order to purchase a tiny amount of groceries. This may be a disproportionately large amount of time to spend on one week’s worth of shopping, but I believe that it has really panned out for me.

THE SHOPPING RESULTS:
• One big can of Maxwell House coffee from Great Deals Dollar Store in Seven Hills: $1.00
• Two cans of cream of mushroom soup from Aldi’s in Independence: $.92
• One pound bag of yellow onions from Marc’s in Broadview Heights: $.69
• Two pound package of chicken thighs from Marc’s: $1.34
• Five pound bag of baking potatoes from Marc’s: $1.68
• Five liter box of Franzia Red Table Wine from Marc’s (last box on sale): $10.50
• One can of spicy tomato juice from Marc’s: $.89
• One pound package of penne pasta from Marc’s: $.74
• Six ounce package of 4 Aces Pipe Tobacco from Discount Tobacco in Garfield Heights: $7.99, but I spoke with the manager before coming and convinced him to price match the 4 Aces tobacco at Discount Smokes in Lyndhurst, which was $7.10. He set it aside for me and when I showed up, there was an instant $.50 off coupon from the manufacturer attached to the bag. So, final price: $6.60
• One package (115) of Bugler rolling papers from Discount Tobacco: $.90
• One bag full of stolen hot sauce from Taco Bell: $0.00
• One bag full of stolen ketchup, salt and pepper from McDonald’s: $0.00
• Three Klonopins received via bartering: 4 potatoes
TOTAL: $25.26

My original plan was to make a casserole and then split it into sevenths, eating one big dinner every night and supplementing my daily hunger with a shitload of coffee and cigarettes during the day. After I filled out my list and realized that I still had plenty of room to spare, I decided to move on to a second dish, just because I could. I don’t yet know how I’m going to let the week play out. I may make both dishes from the outset, split them into sevenths and eat a portion daily for lunch and daily for dinner, or I might just make bigger portions of each and still stick to the one meal daily. Regardless of my choice, I am now very confidant that at least 4 of the meals will be ingested while I’m completely hammered.